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In Honor of Friend's
Passing (by
Niels Kunze)
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It was the first
hour. this darkest hour, on the twenty-eighth day of May in '96 that I
awoke in the
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comfort of my own bed and
instantly knew that a good friend had just passed on. She had died alone
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in the forest and the guilt of
this sad ending was undoubtedly mine.
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We had met two years ago not
far from where she died. This was to be our third summer
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together roaming and searching
the dandelion fields" she for food and I for the whisperings of
Spirit
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so often heard here beneath the
rustlings of the wind. In the spring of '94, the precise time when my
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own journey had truly just
begun, she was then only a few months old and still very close to her
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mother. It had only been some
weeks ago that the two of them had emerged from their winter den to
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face the near impossibility of
survival in their rapidly shrinking world. I can well imagine how
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fascinating these first months
of discovery must have been to this young black bear.
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At our first encounter I was
extremely cautious. Though her mother was not a particularly
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large bear, I knew well enough
from second-hand tales, recent news reports, and general mountain
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lore that any sow with a cub
could instantly exhibit a ferocity well beyond my abilities with which to
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cope. I had spotted them in the
open fields beneath the power lines from quite some distance away.
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They were feeding on dandelions
slowly making their way toward me. I quickly noted the fact that the
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wind was blowing from their
direction, so it was rather unlikely that they would catch
my scent for
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some time yet. I sat in the
field for an hour that day just watching this typical afternoon in the
lives of
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two bears. When they got within
about twenty-five meters from where I crouched I could tell that the
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mother at least was beginning
to pick up my scent. Every couple of minutes she would stop chewing,
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and then she would raise her
nose high in the air trying to make me out. On this first occasion I
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allowed them only twenty meters
of safety margin before I nervously announced my presence. A
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simple "heh-hem" and
a wave of the hand was all it took to make mother bolt to the edge of the
wood.
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Her youngster was always a
little slower to react, and once she was safely perched half-way up a tree
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she would look around in
perplexity as though to say "What? What is it? What are
we running from?"
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For the rest of that first
spring and into the summer I encountered the pair several more times.
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Sometimes I would covertly
follow them for hours seeing just how close I could get before they would
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notice me. Other times I would
just sit and wait in a strategic spot to see how dose they
might come
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on their own. Mother was
always much more leery of me despite the fact that she and I had had a
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unique encounter in the autumn
before.
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It had been at my home in Dutch
Creek, late at night. I was watching TV when I heard a
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commotion on the deck out
back.My first thought was that there were people poking around in my
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yard. so I went down and
flicked on all the outside lights. Surprise! No people, just a smallish
sized
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black bear standing beside the
barbeque. She was slowly pacing in front of our glass door looking in.
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She could see me but she
couldn't smell me. She was very curious about this. I sat down on my side
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of the glass and she stood her
ground on her side. She kept sniffing and tasting the air trying to figure
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me out as I just stared back at
her. She would tentatively take a step forward and then quickly retreat
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as our eyes met through the
glass.Finally the fear surmounted her curiosity and she bounded away. I
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felt that something special had
transpired here as I had been given the unique opportunity to look
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directly within the eyes of a
wild bear only inches from my own face.
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And then last spring in those
very same fields we met again- mother and her yearling cub.
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The cub of course had grown
considerably since last I'd seen her and she was now quite content to
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stray some distance from her
mother's side. I played the same games with them as the year before,
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only this time I was a whole
lot braver or perhaps just more foolhardy, I was content to let either of
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them get near enough to me that
I could easily hear the crunching sound of their constant chewing as
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they devoured dandelions and
other vegetation. By the end of last summer I considered the three of
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us to be friends.
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This year I have not seen the
mother, but the fearless youngster, who was now completely on
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her own, I have encountered
several times. She has twice been in my yard. I walked with her one
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afternoon through the bush and
I was astounded as to how close I was allowed to come. My
presence
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to her was of no consequence.
And this, I knew, could well prove to be disastrous. I did not know if
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her lack of fear was only
toward me or whether she feared no humans at all. If she truly had no fear
of
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man, being this close to our
community, I knew that my neighbours would not accept her presence
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here as easily as
I. She was in grave danger and I suspected that it was my fault.
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Yesterday I was walking along
one of my favorite trails through the forest when I noticed out
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of the corner of my eye a patch
of black that wasn't supposed to be there. I don't believe that anyone
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else in my place would have
even seen anything, but I have walked this trail so very many times that I
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could not have failed to notice
this subtle incongruity. I cautiously approached the spot which was
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perhaps forty meters off the
trail. I quickly realized that my suspicions were correct. This was a
bear! It
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was her, my young friend. But
she was behaving very strangely. I stood about ten meters away
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observing and she just lay very
still in the shelter of some bushes and fallen trees. To this point, the
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day had been hot and very
peaceful, not even a breath of wind. And then quite suddenly I heard a
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distant rumbling and rushing
sound as shivers crawled across my flesh. In the minute it had taken to
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investigate what I was seeing,
a storm had blown in from seeming nowhere. Suddenly the tops of the
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trees were swaying and crashing
together making an awful racket. The rain began to fall and in the
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distance I could hear thunder
rolling through the valley. My first thought with regard to the bear was
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that she had known that this
storm was coming and that she had merely taken cover until it passed. I
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spoke to her, but she did not
get up. I dapped my hands very loudly, but she only turned her head to
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look at me as she remained on
the ground.I knew that something was terribly wrong. I carefully
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circled the area where she lay
and then approached with extreme apprehension. Finally, when I got to
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within about ten feet she
struggled to rise. She was trying to flee but only managed two steps
before
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she collapsed across a fallen
log, I knew then that she was dying, I also knew that I was supposed to
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be there. The storm, I was
convinced, had been the unmistakable voice of Spirit beseeching my
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compassion. I asked Spirit if I
might attempt a healing and received confirmation.
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I then ran home to
retrieve a few supplies. I made some tea, scooped up some honey, and
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gathered some warmer clothes.
Within an hour I was back at her side trying to offer comfort to my
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friend.
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Her breathing was very laboured,
I had heard her from more than a hundred metres away
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sucking in breaths in
desperation. I searched the immediate area for clues as to her plight but
found
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nothing. There was no blood, no
garbage, no sign of anything out of the ordinary. I had no answers, so
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l just settled down
beside her as I would with any sick friend. She was in great discomfort as
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evidenced by her constant
tossing and turning in the grass. After a short time she seemed to accept
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my presence there even as I
looked questioningly within her eyes from but the shortest distance away
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I shared with her my tea and
honey which she seemed to desperately want. But as she took the cup
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between her weakened forelegs
she spilled most of it on the ground. I was feeling rather helpless
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when I decided to get even
closer so that I could stroke her back. She looked up in acknowledgement
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as I sang to her and gently
caressed her. I asked in the name of Spirit that she be healed, but alas I
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was over-filled with doubt. As
night approached we were besieged by mosquitoes. And I was growing
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very tired and hungry, in the
excitement I had forgotten to eat. And so I made a very bad decision. I
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decided to leave her for the
night; I went home.
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For the rest of the evening I
felt guilty and drained of all energy and resolve, I turned in early,
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succumbing to my own
exhaustion. At one o'clock in the morning I abruptly awoke to the subtle
but
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certain knowledge that she was
gone.
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I am remorseful for my lack of
perseverance. I allowed a friend to die alone. Spirit had guided
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me to her and I had stupidly
forsaken her in her hour of need. She has shown me my profound
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selfishness. I did not rightly
honor her life, and so with this tale do I try now to honor
her passing.
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Her name was Theodora. She
deserved better from me It took the death of a valued friend to
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show me the lesson I'd been
missing when Spirit calls me out again I will surely answer with
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everything I've got. I will not
live just half way. Thank you my friend for all that you have been. I am
very
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sorry.
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I miss you already Theodora.
Good-bye,
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N.K. May 28.1996
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